The Ultra Fem

Ultra Fem's review of Avatar —

Short version:
It's a dumb James Cameron movie. In 3-D.

Long version:
This movie is exactly what I expected. EXACTLY. Not a single surprise. Every moment is completely predictable, from the first frame to the last. Other than the intense CGI, which is indeed amazing, this movie has NOTHING new to offer. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And as I've said before, as with every 3-D movie ever made, there is NO REASON for it to be in 3-D.

Basically, it's a formula Cameron movie. It's the same movie he's been making over and over since the eighties. I can tell you everything you need to know about it with the following mathematical formula:

AVATAR =

Pocahontas + Tarzan + Lawrence of Arabia + soundtrack from Titanic

I'm not exaggerating about the Titanic soundtrack. Every time the beautiful blue half-naked jungle people run around in the trees, you can hear Irish wooden flutes. And then there's a "hit song" at the end. I swear, I'm hearing Celine Dion in my head right this very moment. (Damn you, Cameron!)

Speaking of the alien jungle people, this movie is shockingly racist! I mean, full-on RACIST! The aliens are obviously designed to look like black people. It's BLATANT! They even have CORNROWS! The ones that don't have MOHAWKS, anyway. And they speak with a generic Caribbean accent. When they're not whooping and yipping like Tonto, that is. It's condescending as hell! And SO FUCKING LAZY AND NON-CREATIVE!

The scientist heroes are white, and the guy they send in to learn the ways of the jungle people turns out to be BETTER AT EVERYTHING than the poor ignorant savages. He runs, fights, tames horses (yes, HORSES), conquers fucking DINOSAURS and even woos the native girls better than the best of them... AND he becomes a fucking "chosen one," AND he unites the tribes, blah-blah-blah. I mean, can this be MORE clichéd and DUMB? REALLY?!!

And the whole thing has your typical, insincere Hollywood environmental message slathered over it like pancake syrup. I mean, JESUS, there's even Sigourney Weaver re-enacting her role from 'Gorillas in the Mist!' She never quite says "Get off my mountain!" but you expect it at any moment, and she DOES indeed have a secret mountain laboratory. UGHH!!

Any one of us could have written this shit.

More detail:
I'm a big sci-fi fan, and when I say "sci-fi," I mean SERIOUS SCI-FI. Star Trek is NOT serious sci-fi. Neither is ANYTHING on the Sci-Fi Channel. When I say I take my science in my sci-fi seriously I MEAN IT. I read Hal Clement for FUN. I consider Primer to be the best sci-fi movie made in this decade, precisely BECAUSE of the Byzantine plot devices that go unexplained.

With that in mind, I have a few QUESTIONS about Avatar.

WHY would a planet covered with six-limbed, four-eyed animals that breathe through valves in their chests ALSO have humanoid four-limbed, two-eyed people that breathe through their mouths JUST LIKE US??

WHY would aliens, who happen to have two arms, two legs and heads with faces (see above), smile and laugh and cry and fall in love JUST LIKE WE DO? And kiss on the mouth, and have two sexes, and talk through their mouths in audible frequencies, and drink and eat, and wear loincloths and necklaces, and make longbows and arrows with feathers, and live in tribes with witchdoctors and chieftains... WHY??

HOW does a planet have lower gravity but the SAME air pressure as Earth?

Nothing in the design of this movie is original. The jungle is just... JUNGLE. Some of the plants glow, but so what? The animals have six legs, but they're still just wolves and panthers and rhinos and FUCKING HORSES. Yeah the natives ride HORSES! Sheesh!

And if you're a fan of Wayne D. Barlow, you've seen all these animals before. And BETTER.

So that's it. You'll see this movie anyway, I'm sure. SIGH.

UPDATE:
I do have to say the 3-D effect was good. There was dust and pollen in the air (onscreen, I mean) almost constantly, and I swatted at my face more than once to brush the shit out of the way. At one point, a marine shot a tear-gas canister at us, and I flinched really hard. I was surprised at myself.
But it had nothing to do with advancing the plot. It never does.

Well, I take that back. One of the earliest 3-D movies was a horror film called The Mask, and every time the hero said "Put on the mask," you put on your 3-D glasses and shared his other-dimensional hallucinations. It was a really clever use of the medium, and I should find a copy.

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